Friday, June 13, 2014

Chicago Totally Needs A Sick Party Barge

(Photo: DNAinfo/Ted Cox)

By Beau D'Arcy
Party Boat Enthusiast & Entrepreneur

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, ahoy! Thank you for attending this conference.

I stand before you at a critical moment in the history of Chicago. The past few years have seen some amazing changes to the amenities of the lakefront. With recent developments at Ping Tom Park and 31st Street Harbor, Chicago has made great strides increasing access to boats, boat launches, and boat parties. I've always held that you can measure a world-class city by its number of boating slips, and my close friends and associates Kyle, Chad, Tracy, Lex, Austin, Rahm, and Brecky all second that emotion at our boat parties.

Yacht people in their natural environment, demonstrating best use of recreational watercraft. (Photo: Jeffrey Marini/Chicago Reader)

I see you back there grinnin' and blushin', “Tiny Dancer”! Yeah, you, ya little scamp! How wild was that smoker with the boys from Goldman last time, am-I-right? Ha-ha!

Love that guy. He's thrown his support behind the 1%
I mean, behind us 100%. I mean, we still gotta get permits and money and an engineer and all that stuff, but it's like, everybody knows once the Big Man On Five gives the nod, it's on like prawn. But I duress.

Like I was saying, Chicago's global dominance in the arena of totally sick flotilla ragers is far from assured. How can we credibly brand our selves as the Third Coast, The Gold Coast, or any kind of coast, when other U.S. cities have boating and boat party facilities that put ours to shame? I mean, come on, everybody knows Catalina Island is the bomb-diggety for parking your boat after a half-hour cruise and getting ripped in plush style! But instead of just moving to L.A., because it's full of Mexicans and totally stuck-up bitches who won't even let you feel silicone on anything less than a hundred-foot cruiser, I want to do my hometown proud and bring equivalence or better boat party facilities to the Lake Michigan shore.

That is why I and Breakwater Chicago, my very own entrepreneur start-up that my dad said I should do, are putting my Harvard MBA and juiced connections to good practical use – to build the most epic, world-class boat dock and floating party venue ever seen, right here on Lake Michigan.

Totally not a massive waste of money and resources. (Photo: Breakwater Chicago LLC)

Woo! YEAH! Party
boat! Party boat! Party boat!

[Polite applause; Kyle, Chad, Lex, Tracy, Austin, Lex, Scooter, and Brecky briefly take up chant, then stop out of boredom and/or embarrassment.]

This idea has been a long time in the confection stages, and we're totally gonna get the permits, don't worry, but I think everyone who matters will agree that this is something the people of Chicago desperately need right now. Tourism's been peaking off a bit, what with regular people and the poors having shittier jobs and all, but my buddies have just been killing it in the market, so now's the time to put some of that hard-earned paper to good use creating something Chicago really, really needs: a football-field length party barge, with high-end retail, restaurants, and a sick, under-lit Plexiglas bar where the 'tenders make, like, every shot imaginable. Ha-ha, you'll be puking fifteen colors of table service over the side in your Gucci deck shoes, bro, it's gonna be totally awesome! Just look at that rendering we hired some design geeks to cook up for us: it looks just like a yacht, only it's so epic in scale you can park a yacht on it!

Yo, it will also have swimming pools, a Jacuzzi/sauna, and possibly a wave pool, if whatever engineers we hire can figure that out. No sweat, bro, that's what Tri-Delts are for, ha-ha-ha! Dweebs.

You literally cannot imagine anything this town has ever needed more to uphold its global reputation as a class, luxury brand. That's right, we'll see who can attract more Saudi princes and oligarch mobsters to lease high-rise trophy apartments now, London! Suck it!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So, in conclusion, please chip in on Kickstarter, because we tried to get a loan for this and, like, none of the banks we talked with “got it,” like,
at all. We're counting on you, people of Chicago! You know you need this. Our yachting community needs this. Most importantly, my friends and I need this, because right now there's nowhere to go in our boats unless we want to sail all over Lake Michigan, and fuck that.

Help us build Chicago's most awesome party barge.

[NOTE: This article is a work of satire and should not be construed as representative of figures depicted herein in any way.]


  1. the party boats on the river in Belgrade could be some inspiration

  2. More likely this: